Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Coping with Change

While I am in the throes of what is arguably one of the most difficult times I have had in my life, it is so normal, ordinary and expected, I am half inclined to make light of the whole situation. So what if I am having a bit of a rough patch these days? "Shit happens." "This too shall pass." I was raised in a household where the slogan "Never let them see you sweat" could have been the mantra. No matter what was happening in our lives we were expected to buck up and suffer in silence. While I don't expect that degree of emotional repression of myself any more, I am trying to maintain some semblance of balance in the midst of all of this turmoil. My crisis is emotional and "physical" (as in having to do with life in the world); it is not a spiritual crisis for me. The knowledge that this is normal and will pass makes me able to cope most of the time.

....Not every minute of every day, mind you. I admit I dissolve into tears at inopportune times and I take offense at things that wouldn't bother me when I'm not so emotionally raw and wounded. I am hyper-sensitive where I am usually thick skinned. I feel as though none of the people I love cares very much about me a lot of the time ... at least not unless I am willing to play the game by their rules (and I resent that). [Very important note: I used to almost always be willing to play by other peoples' rules. That has changed. Methinks some of those people don't care much for that particular change in me.]

While I am dealing with my own problems, I find myself surrounded by people who are beset by spiritual and emotional crises of their own. A few of them are not coping very well. I am caught in the maelstrom. In the past, I have always been the spiritually strong one, the Wise Woman with all the answers. Unfortunately right now, I have my own emotional and physical issues to grapple with (aging being the biggest one -- my own aging and that of others around me, including my Dear Daughter who is soon to fly from the nest). I am not feeling particularly wise. I am not feeling particularly in the mood to deal with other peoples' problems.

Frankly, I have less patience or forbearance for bullshit from other people these days, and am not as willing to give them a pass when they give me grief, when they think they can dump their crap on me and let me deal with it OR when they come to me for advice and then give me a bunch of dishonest BS about what their problem actually is.

I may not be exactly turning into exactly a Wise Woman, but some days I certainly feel like I'm headed in the direction of a Crone.

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